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Hand shakes at sunrise
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| its been a shit long of a while hah. I went to Peru and I got together with the most perfect person, I've known him my whole life so I really don't know how It never clicked before, but he came out and said he loved me and I know I do too. It's obviously not the same as it was with Matt, I still think about him, but I know Jesus makes me sooooooo happy!!
which brings me to something else...I don't know why I let certain people keep hurting me...he imed me out of nowhere. I should've learned the first time. He doesn't love me, he just wants to hurt me. I dunno what he gets from it either, I mean he did it pretty fucking badly already, and now its like he's coming back for another round of lets kill julia! and he completely confused me, almost got me too! but then Jesus came outa nowhere and FINALLY called, hahaha and I fell right back into it. I'm moving back to Peru in 17 days...17 days!!!! and I'll be with him forever.
I wont lie to myself, I really wish that Matt and I had worked out, even though he lied to me, even though he doesn't love me, I still do, and I still wish we were together, I doubt that feeling will ever go away. But I love Jesus, and I almost love him just as much as I love matt, so I'm hoping soon I'll completely stop thinking about him.
I'm so happy to be leaving, and sad at the same time. I'll miss everyone here, but I love being over there, It's home. Besides if I stay here I'll never fully get over him. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I hadn't spoken to you in forever. But I still feel horrible.
I don't know what happened. but I'm sorry.
RIP CONNOR. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I AM 98 POUNDS. I thought I'd be happy about it. but without him nothing is worth anything. ugh. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | he's in my dreams even. I love him so much still. I miss him incredibly. He doesn't care at all. I'm not any better, I'm way worse. I still haven't eaten anything. People are actually telling me I look pretty. but nobody matters, but him. They're sending me to peru in february but i already know it'll only depress me more to be so far away from him. I really don't know what to do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I wont take pills this time, I'll fucking stab myself in the heart or jump off a bridge, I wont fail this time.
I have a shred of hope, I'm gonna wait it out, maybe a few more days. so far It's not looking good at all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | seriously no joke, I just spent a fucking hour or more listening to say anything. I'M DONE WITH, I CANT DO THIS. I used to HATE that band. I, Julia, crazy crust punk lover julia, am listening to say anything. just kill me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I've gotten through this week by keeping someone always with me. so i guess thats good. I got by today, the worst day of the year for me, by hanging out with my baby sister and her little friends hah. they're ridiculous, but it beats getting drunk by myself. They put me to sleep by doing shit to my neck and it was a fucking trip, better than weed i think hah. I still cant eat, I ate today only because everyone keep calling me anorexic, I mean I know i've suffered from it before but its just NOT cool to say it like that. I'm down to exactly 100 pounds. you'd think I'd be happy, but the void's still there and he's not going to fill it anytime soon. I hope somehow this new year's better....somehow. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | woke up this morning, feeling the same. I kept it together most of the day, barely cried. and a few minutes ago, I reread messages and conversations between us and had a complete breakdown again. how it all came outa just nowhere. there's not a single day, single hour, single minute, second, that I dont want him back. I need you. I wish you could see this and just come back to me. I love you so much. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I've never been worse. I mean I've been REALLY bad, but this is ridiculous. my body actually hurts from being so upset. my eyes are always puffy because I can't stop crying. I do try to see the future optimistically or occupy my time with other people that don't even begin to compare to him, but I'm lying to myself, he's the only one that matters. This was such an incredibly low blow. Everyone keeps telling me heartbreaks always hurt lalalala...yeah ok I KNOW, I did love ONE person before this and that one hurt horribly. but this time, I was already depressed and then this up and happened. and It's beyond agonizing. nobody unless diagnosed with depression can understand how fucking horrible this is.
It's pathetic but everything...EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I cant even lay on my own bed without remembering. I layed on the left side because he layed on the right and I just lost myself thinking about it all. everywhere I go somehow blue eyes just pop out. I can't stop listening to his gay music. I've reread messages over and over and over. I can remember all his expressions and every part of his face. I find myself doing things that he used to do...and not on purpose they somehow come naturally. everything somehow is connected back to him. I have good memory to start with but this is just torture. I cant wake up in the morning without thinking about how we used to wake up next to each other. How when we lay we perfectly fit. How when he would fall asleep on me he would snore a little hah. I remember he onced asked me if i thought our kisses were perfect I lied and said no, but I knew full and well that they were. I miss his soft little hair hah, and how he'd play with mine. I miss his hands, and his hugs. I miss hearing his heart beat. I miss scaring him with the knife haha. or freaking him out about his veins. I want to see his smile. I love him so much and he knew it, that's why he did this. but it's his pay back I guess.
I just want more than anything to wake up from this, to turn around and see him laying there sleeping. I want him to tell me everything's ok. I wake up everyday with my arm out...holding nothing. I have nothing. and this pain thats literally in the middle of my chest wont go away. I just want to feel that incredible happiness he gave me. I want him to hold me forever and just tell me he still loves me and this was all just a horrible dream. I can't take this. I love him. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | honorary title- petals | | Time: | 09:17 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/elizabethia/gothicsally/loved.gif) optimistic |
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| hah I got my depakote and I already feel a bit better. everytime SOMEONE tries to hurt me, its funny because it makes me stronger. my gut feeling is always right. and althought the action of just lying to me hurts me, I'm over it because I know I'm better =). Life wont end. I can honestly say I loved him, because I did, I still do, but that for no reason means I'm going to beg him to come back. I don't need anyone...I can be alone.
It's a good thing I think everything happens for a reason haha. This happened to basically tell me to stop dickin around and take my chance when its given. I've blown my chance 3 times in my life...well more than that actually but only twice did it matter. It doesn't upset me to admit I think about him, or that I wish I was with him. But life has its ups and downs and it's for a reason. I can only remember the good and smile. And now more than ever I can start to refocuse on myself, never again will I drop everything for someone. I'm moving on and I'm gonna be way better, you can't ever find another Julia =D | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | as in i failed death twice. a week and a half ago, i took a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeettle bit too much pills and oded. as per usual someone found out and bam im back in the emergency room, few days laters im in a psych hospital, im back on meds and I'm bipolar, how fucking dandy. yesterday i was about to fucking kill everyone so they gave me an ativan, and hello life. ativan is my new love. im on antidepressents again but it doesnt seem to be doing shit because i still feel like slicing my throat open, more than ever actually. but im not gonna ruin christmas for the kids. i have so much fucking anger in me right now, i cant take it. the fucking pharmacy says they wont have depakote or fucking ativan until friday......WHAT THE FUCK, WHY WHY HOW WHY! IM SO FUCKING MAD. i cant take this shit, i cant. i cant. im about to punch something. I give up again, i had hope a few days ago. but i give up again, why do i even try????? im so tired of these lies, and even more tired that i keep falling for them. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| beer seems to fuck up all the progress Im making so Im gonna switch to liquor. I see now that I just keep spiraling down, but I see no point in stopping. I havent laughed at all in the past few days, unless I was with mels...I never not laugh, that alone says something.
I know that no drug or alcohol in this world could possibly make me happy now, but it sure as fuck helps. I take benadryls with whatever I drink and it makes it ten times better. It's like im floating or something.
anyway i had an interview for a job today which was canceled because im a complete failure and i have no hs diploma. awesome. I'm done trying. It's far easier to just waste away. specially with nobody pushing me to do better, anyway it doesnt matter. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| depression can do wonders for your weight. I'm down to 103. not much at all compared to what I used to be, but it's something. I don't do anything all day but sleep...I've eaten once today and that was because they forced me too...I'm nauseous now..and not even on purpose. This is the first night that I'm not going to drink myself to sleep. which is good I guess.
I've got a job interview tomorrow and hopefully I get it. It's at a daycare so it'll keep me active therefor making me loose even more weight. It's good that when my life has hit basically ROCK ASS BOTTOM and I have control over nothing...that at least I have control over this. Once I reach 95 I'll be content. I don't care what anyone says.
fuck it I'm gonna drink. I need to wake up early anyway. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I was doing really good, but Lately, I dunno. I cant trust anyone anymore. I hate living here. I'm seconds away from buying a one way ticket to california and going with gabriella. I haven't eaten since yesterday.. I'm just not hungry. which I guess helps in my situation. but losing weight only makes me feel a little better now. I just want to trust someone....one person, but I doubt I ever will again. I dont see the point of this all anymore. whatever. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So this whole thing was like math, and it took a while but I finally finished the equation. Both parts were somewhat equal in fault, but when it really came down to it, I fucked up. It was me.
Lesson learned (thanks for the help mels).
I just wish...WAIT, OH YEAH THERE'S NO POINT. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I really can't fathom certain people's logic. I swear some people are so fucking stupid, I can't take it.
Yet another reason why I can't stand about 98% of the people in this world.
I dont understand how someone who's practically 20 yrs old doesn't understand that life ISN'T all dandy and lovely. Where did you grow up?...nevermind they haven't grown up yet. I dunno, just know not to expect wonderful things to come your way, if you make stupid decisions. If you stick your finger in fire, you sure as fuck are gonna get burned. so I dont get why people think it's ok to do certain things and then when their life comes crashing down they blame everyone else and can't believe it's happening.
as the days go by I start to dislike more and more people. And it's my fault for not having seen how annoying and stupid they were before. I honestly don't care though, if I keep losing "friends." I'm perfectly happy with my life now. you wanna leave it, by all means go ahead. I don't care. I know who's real and who isn't.
And I hate drugs. I know I used to be a straight up pothead and I've done other things. But I've learned from it.
I've seen what it does to people, and I fucking hate it. It hurts like hell to have see people that are close to me doing drugs. No drug is good, NO DRUG. I remember when there was a time when I used to smoke to relieve myself of the depression, and it took me a real long time to get out of the denial and realize, it was making me worse. Even the fucking lexapro and wellbutrin and seroquel. It's true that it helps at the moment but in the long run, it doesnt. Ever since I started living my life naturaly, I've felt sooooooooo much better.
I try to help, but I can only do so much. And what I can't stand is when they say they want help, that they want to change, that they want to be good. But then put no effort. It takes a lot of fucking effort for me not to just go out everyday and get drunk or smoke endlessly and try to forget everything. But that's life, it'll be a bitch and it'll hurt, and nobody can tell me I don't know about hurt, because with the shit I've been through, I know. Thats why I have no sympathy for people who are addicted to drugs or have any other type of problem THEY CAUSED. At some point you knew what you were getting yourself into, so you can't come at me with a sob story. It's up to you to man the fuck up and deal with your problems the right way. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | cumbia poder | | Time: | 03:52 pm |
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| aguardiente, beer, sangria. that's all I had yesterday hahaha.
chill with colombians and that's what happens. my saturday actually turned out great. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm fucking sitting here doing nothing......EVEN THOUGH, there's plenty to do. another example as to why I need more friends.
I want to go to this bar today but no I can't because nobody else wants to or they cant because they're broke and I'm not about to go sit in a corner by myself. Fabulous.
As soon as my life becomes wonderful it decides to just fuck itself up. I'm not even gonna talk about the binge-athon I had today. whatever, this is fucking stupid.
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| I hate you halloween. I ate a bag of fucking plantain chips, half of a piece of fucking strawberry shortcake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, chocolate galore, a cup of fucking soda, bread-just kill me now, and some mote.....I have gone insane.
I went into the city again, after awhile, today, for halloween of course. I didn't have a lot of fun as usual, I feel like everyone is just so I dunno young? (immature sounds a little mean)
I want to go out and have a drink without getting completely shitfaced. I want to go dance and not just watch a band play and people crush me. I guess I basically just want to hang out with people who are more grown up. I'm tired of this teenage drunk crap.
I was over all that mess and then somehow o universo penso que era o momento mais perfeito para meterlo outra ves em minha vida. what the fuck. Quiero hablar con el, no tengo que besarlo ni tocarlo (ademas ni quiero porque mas seguro se meteo con esa facilota, ufff que gran amiga que es no?). no mas quiero hablar. De repente asi va ver como he cambiado, cambiaria su opinion de mi? Yo no lo necesito, yo se que no. Yo no necesito a nadie, pero no se. He tratado de estar con otros, y esta bien pero despues de tiempo ni me importan, solo el se queda todavia atras en mi puta mente. someone needs to just slap me out of it. I wish que pudiera llamarlo, en ves de ignorarlo como lo hice recientemente. Ni se como lo hice jaj! Creo que es porque ya creci jjajaja, y me di cuenta que si valgo mas. pero al mismo tiempo mirame!! despues de toda las putas estupides que me hizo ese concha su madre, todavia quiero darle otro chance jajaja, pucha pero que huevona no!?!?
Bueno hablo por gusto no mas, porque nunca va cambiar.
Lo que pasa, pasa porque asi tiene que ser.
El mundo todavia da vueltas y yo sigo aprendiendo.
aunque, nunca estoy satisfecha. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| rijch'ariychis, Inkakunaq churinkuna, qapariychis,
qhawayniykichista muyurichiychis mat'iykichista allinta howarispa,
qapariyniykichis uyarikuchun tukuy llaqtakunapi.
illarimunñan mosaq p'unchau tayta Intipas kusirikunmi
qankunata kusita rikuspa, aswan allinta k'amchamuspa;
tawantinsuyu naupaq allin kausaypi hina
ÑAK'AREQ LLANK'AQKUNA!
ñataq chayamunña, chayqa ancha sumaq p'unchayninchis
khumpakuna qowasqanchis sinchi yawarwas llallisqa,
wañuy seq'oywan atipasqa wajchayacheqjunamanta p'itisqa,
hatun auqa watakunapi.
teqsimuyuntinpi yuyarishanku, askha hunu llank'aqkuna
kay sami p'unchayninchista; yuyay hap'inanchis pachanaña
ancha p'enqaypiñam tiyashunchis, millay mosqoypi hina,
RIJCH'ARIYCHIS LLANK'AQKUNA!!
P'ITIYCHIS (LLAPAYKICHIS) MATEQ WASKHARTA! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Hand shakes at sunrise
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